Far Far Far Away: An Unlikely Retelling
by H. R. Beck
Summary: We all know and love the romance and adventure that was had by Shrek and his friends. But what if things had unfolded diffrently? What if Shrek had never been charged with the task of rescuing a princess? What if Charming really had made it to the tower to rescue a red head? What if Lord Farquaad had lived and found another princess to help him apease his ambitions?


Lord Farquaad was a determined man. One had to be determined when one's full grown physical stature measured shorter than most three year old children. It was true. Barefoot and without any of his impressive hats, Lord Farquaad was perhaps just a little over three feet tall and really that was if one was being very generous. It was also important to note that besides being exceedingly short, which in the grand scheme of the world in which he lived wasn't exactly so very uncommon with all the fairytale beings running about; Farquaad was also a human man. Being short was forgivable, inconsequential even if you were an elf or even a dwarf. But to be completely human and that short was to be a laughing stock among both other humans and fairytale creatures alike.

Farquaad was immune to other people's laughter by this point. Particularly when it was at his personal expense. Indeed, Farquaad had trained himself to utterly ignore and overlook any and all remarks or strange looks regarding his appearance. This however didn't mean he had come into his adulthood unscathed. Oh no. Far from it.

For the dwarf of a man, only two thoughts consumed him anymore. The first thought was more of a conclusion to a particular perspective that had been gradually germinating within his dubious mind in recent years. Farquaad had come to the conclusion that his personal attributes were not the thing that limited him in his life. Rather, his life was being constantly limited by a common comparison he tended to have to endure to other creatures that weren't even members of his own species.

In Farquaad's mind this spoke to the conclusion that the world at large was more theirs, the magical folks, than anyone's. Yet the ruling powers remained predominantly human. To Farquaad's twisted reasoning, if the ruling class was human than certainly humans were the preferred and superior class. This unfortunate conclusion was further aggravated by the shear number of royal families and lesser courtiers that appeared to have fallen victim to some kind of magical malady. The Land of Far Far Away for example was famous for its high number of cursed and hexed princesses and it seemed obvious to Farquaad that magic in general was a kind of plague on humanity that was quickly reaching epidemic proportions and spiraling out of control.

But the final straw to these conclusions was the indignity Farquaad was forced to endure at the meer possibility that he, a righteous human man and a lord no less, had been and might still be mistaken for one of the very creatures he deemed so odious. It was because Lord Farquaad considered fairytale folk to be inferior that he resented being mistaken for one simply because he was a bit short in stature for a human.

Originally Farquaad's strategy for coping with such a travesty was to simply separate and ultimately isolate himself from the problem. Thus Farquaad spent the first few years of his official lordship building up his family holdings so that he could build a literal barrier between himself and the magic ridden world creeping just outside his door step. Naturally this had come at great personal expense and man power which had required Farqaad to appeal to local kingdoms for assistance. At first people had been reluctant to travel to the isolated spot surrounded by swamp and forests but with a little tweaking Farquaad was able to form connections with one or two lesser royal families whom agreed with his outlook. Thus the stronghold of Duloc was born nurtured under the propaganda that it was a perfect oasis of calculated and, more importantly, man made perfection. It was however, not a "kingdom" in spite of its polished and perfect kingdom-like appearance.

It was this second point that drove Farquaad's second all consuming motivation and preoccupation.

While Farqaad could isolate himself and his subjects, he did not make the rules out side of the confines of his personal landholdings. This meant that while he could shield himself he could not take action to change the greater world at large and this one limitation boiled within him.

Lords didn't make laws, or so Farqaad was forced to conclude. But kings did.

If Farqaad were to somehow become a king and Duloc were to be elevated to the status of a kingdom than surely something on a grand scale could finally be done about the magical pollutants that were being allowed to seep into the land spreading any number of terrible diseases and perversions.

There was only one problem hindering his best conceived plans and it wasn't that there was a shortage in available princesses. After all, kingdoms like Far Far Away seemed to have princesses to spare. Farqaad's problem was that in the years he'd carefully worked to isolate himself he'd developed a rather severe case of acrophobia and could hardly force himself to leave the confines of Duloc let alone travel the great distance it took to get to a kingdom of any particular note. Furthermore even if he had been inclined to travel the land of Duloc was surrounded by swamp land and forests that we teaming with magical folk and creatures. Farquaad absolutely refused to allow himself to become contaminated by such filth.

Ultimately it was this problem that led him to issue a decree that would serve to systematically rid his land of any and all magical fairytale creatures. Considering what he would have preferred ridding his own land was a way to feel in control of his greater environment while also clearing the land for when Farqaad was prepared to expand his properties. Of course expansion required funds and so even if he had not been so prejudice he still would have had to replenish his personal coffers. It was clear that the easiest answer to all his problems was to take a princess for a bride but in order to do this Farqaad was aware he needed a more efficient way to get his information since he could not seek such things out for himself and didn't trust the incompetence of others.

Farqaad needed a mirror. The Magic Mirror to be exact.

Now lest anyone call him a hypocrite for using a magical means to achieve his agenda. The Magic Mirror was not technically a magical creature. It was simply a mortal that had been cursed long ago and enslaved within the confines of a large framed mirror. The curse was perhaps the oldest in living memory and therefore no one remembered how to undo it. Even the man in the mirror had, himself, become reluctant to alter his state of being having gone so long as a popular wall ornament. What made the mirror so special is that the man inside it seemed to know everything presumably because he'd gotten around alot but probably more likely because it was simply part of the magic of his reflective prison. It was for this reason that the Magic Mirror was greedily hoarded by its various caretakers and in want by many others who longed to know its secrets.

In more recent decades it had been known to be in the possession of Queen Grimhilde, a courtier and self taught sorceress who had beguiled and married the King of the House of White where she'd become the wife and new mother of the king and his daughter Snow. There the mirror remained until it was discovered that the queen was using the power of the magic mirror for evil ends. When princess Snow had finally thwarted her stepmother's efforts to destroy her, Grimhilde was stripped of her royal titles and the mirror was reclaimed by the House of White and subsequently spirited away somewhere for safe keeping.

In recent years Lord Farquaad had begun a aggressive crusade to retrieve his family's heirloom. Indeed, Farquaad was in fact Grimhilde's natural son and the stepbrother of Snow. Yet this fact had done little to serve him fore his mother's titles were in name alone and had not extended to him. Even if they had when Grimhilde had been caught and stripped of her titles so to had the honorary title of prince been stripped from him. For Farqaad this was of little consequence. Being nearly double Snow White's age he had never lived as a member of her household and had instead retained ownership of his father's landholdings of Duloc. Yet Grimhilde's crimes had served to alienate her from her only natural child.

Of her treachery, Farquaad could forgive and even understand because he too longed for power and influence and was prepared to do terrible things to achieve it. Just as she had desired to be a queen of queens so did he desire to be a mighty king. However Lord Farqaad could not forgive his mother's secondary magical interests which he deemed to be a horrible vice. So horrible in fact that when Grimhilde had attempted to return to Duloc and her son's house for refuge from her disgrace, Farqaad had not just turned her out and banished her but he had imprisoned her for a short time and had tried to cure through horrible and humiliating torture. The apex of which being when he'd sent her as a wedding gift back to his step sister with her feet bound in heavy iron dancing shoes that were intended to be heated upon a fire for the entertainment of Snow's guests.

Luckily for Grimhilde, Snow had been appalled by such a notion and had taken pity upon her humiliated and abused stepmother, striking up a strained alliance that allowed Grimhilde to remain in the Kingdom of Far Far Away still disgraced and reduced but at least not left destitute or left without any semblance of basic human comfort. There was a rumor that she'd eventually gone into business with the Ugly Stepsisters who often took in down trodden women of scandal and helped rehabilitate them.

Ever since that time Farquaad had ordered his best men to undertake a quest to discover the whereabouts of his family's mirror. Callously betraying his mother as he had, had marked a turning point in the man's twisted psyche.

In the meantime Farquaad busied himself with his favorite pastime as of late; interrogating the more well connected magical folk into revealing the whereabouts of the remaining pockets of magical people and creatures who lived on his land.

On the evening when his solders had burst into his chambers to announce that they'd finally found what he had long been looking for, Farqaad was interrogating a gingerbread man who had been hiding in plain sight as a spy reporting Farqaad's activities to his many friends on the outside. Farqaad had discovered him on accident one morning around christmastide when he'd plucked Ginjy off his yule tree one cheery evening intending to eat him, only for the terrified Gingerbread Man to spring to life screaming bloody murder until Farqaad hastily dropped him and then set his guards on the animated cookie. Farqaad had the locked Ginjy in a cookie jar forcing him to remain in the dark for several weeks as he tried to soften the cookie up. When this had failed Farqaad resorted to outright interrogation and torture effectively breaking the cookie's legs off and making them dance in mid air in front of the traumatized yet resilient cookie.

"Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!" Farqaad sang mockingly to the restrained cookie as he loomed over him.

"You're a monster." Ginjy muttered in disgust and horror.

At this remark Farqaad's temperamental indignity flared. "I'm not the monster here. You are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?"

"Eat me!" Ginjy yelled defiantly spitting a wad of sugary sweet spittle expertly into Farqaad's face.

Farqaad grunted in disgust swiping the mess from his face. "I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll -"

"No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!" Ginjy shrieked when he saw the horrible man threaten to pluck his candy buttons one by one from his chest.

"All right then. Who's hiding them?" Farqaad demanded.

"Okay, I'll tell you." Gingy said finally relinquishing and bending from weeks of mental and physical trauma. "Do you know the muffin man?"

"The muffin man?" Farqaad inquired for clarification.

"The muffin man." Ginger confirmed.

"Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?" Farqaad was interested.

"Well, she's married to the muffin man." Ginjy said his voice quivering.

"The muffin man?" Farquaad was still thinking and wanted to make sure.

"The muffin man!" The cookie shrieked only wanting his suffering to end.

"She's married to the muffin man..." Farquaad ruminated before they were suddenly interrupted by the ruckus of his captain who was still dressed in his riding armor.

"My lord! We found it." The captain announced.

"Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in." Farquaad directed with surprise as he momentarily forgot what he had been doing.

The second he caught sight of the thing Farqaad sighed nostalgically. "Oh! Magic mirror-"

"Don't tell him anything!" Ginjy screamed before he was quickly dispatched to the waste paper tin and silenced while Farqaad moved on to his newest interest.

"Evening." He remarked casually has his men placed the mirror upon the far wall in front of him. "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

Farquaad had a dreamy and frighteningly delusional look up his face making the Mirror reluctant to answer him. Unfortunately the Mirror was bound by magic to answer any question presented to him truthfully even at the mirror's own peril.

"Well, technically you're not a king." The mirror muttered honestly.

Inwardly pricked by this remark, however truthful, Farquaad signaled to his favorite strongman enforcer. "Uh, Thelonius."

On cue the hooded strongman produced a hand mirror seemly out of no where and smashed it with his fist letting the shattered glass fall to the floor within direct sight of the Magic Mirror who quickly reconsidered the frame of his answer at Farqaad's prompting.

"What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess." The mirror hastily corrected.

"Go on." Farqaad encouraged with a self indulgent chuckle.

Blinking once or twice the Magic Mirror thought fast on his hinges and spun into action. "So...Just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!"

"Bachelorette number one is a emotionally stunted shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes theatre and music. Her hobbies include braiding her hair and looking dreamily into the distance from the window of her high tower. Please welcome Rapunzel!" The Mirror paused for affect.

"Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!" By now a small crowd of guards had drifted into the room and were cheering their lord on as cheesy game show music played in the background emanating from the mirror.

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a demure redhead from a waterlogged sea castle surrounded by warm salt water! But don't let that make you feel like a wet blanket. She's a wide eyed mute with a heart of gold who likes treasure hunting and getting caught in the tide. Yours for the baiting, Mer-Princess Ariel!So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?" The Mirror inquired.

At this inquiry the room burst to life as everyone yelled out their preferences and Farqaad suddenly found himself caught up in the excitement of having to make a snap decision. Generally he preferred red heads but in this particular case such a choice was unacceptable given that the princess in question was, in Farqaad's opinion, a nasty slimy she-creature. Certainly he wanted a human choice. The second option also was a no go since the princess featured happened to be his relation. Although he and Snow White were not biologically related Farqaad had always regarded the youngster with particular brotherly favor and it would have never crossed his mind to take her as a bride.

This left the blonde. Personally Farqaad wasn't very keen on blonds and the fact that there was so much blond was a little perturbing and yet there was something in her face that Farqaad found intriguing. It was a sort of vanity that was not unlike his own and of the three this princess seemed to have excellent taste in clothing and culture so in the grand scheme she would look a fine sight as his right hand. Pride was an important aphrodisiac for the man and the more he thought about it the more his pride and passion flared.

"Princess Rapuzel..." Farqaad tried the name on for size before he suddenly bloomed like a flower at dawns first light. "Ah ha! She's perfect. You there! I want you to organize an emissary and deliver my affections. The princess shall be brought to Duloc in a fortnight! and then we shall be married at once. Duloc will finally have its rightful rulers and its proper places in this damnedable world."

"At once, Sir." The captain muttered saluting before he swiftly departed so that preparations could be made and the right gifts acquired.

Consumed by thought of his new plan Farqaad also rushed away and out of the room shouting triumphantly to himself and barking orders to have new cloths made up and for things to be arranged.

Meanwhile Gingy remained in the trash bin utterly forgotten and abandoned. "H-hello? Scuse me? Hell-o-o? Anyone!? Aw tartar sauce!"


End file.
